It’s Saturday. I’m sitting here by the computer looking out on the canal from the window of our apartment in Amsterdam. The sun is shining inbetween the rain showers. The weather seems as erratic and changing as my emotions. I decided yesterday to start this blog about the experience of going through fertility treatment. Yesterday I got that phone call from the hospital again – you know the one where a sweet nurse tells you that the blood test was negative. I’m not pregnant. As usual…
We have been trying to have a baby for over 5 years now. Apart from all the ‘at home trying’, we have been through IUI six times. 3 years ago we went though three IUI attempts, then decided to stop fertility treatment. At that time we lived in Copenhagen and the hospital there suggested moving on with IVF. We didn’t want to, at least not then. It felt too drastic somehow. Especially since there seemed to be no clear indication as to the cause of our infertility. So we figured why not give nature another chance, we had after all only been trying for a baby for 2 years at that time. I was 34 then, there should be plenty of time. We made peace with the situation and moved on with life. Shortly after an opportunity came to move to Amsterdam. We took it. It felt like a relief, as if we could escape from the experience of infertility by embracing a new, exciting, expat life in another great European city.
But with time and distance came the thoughts. Should we have continued? Did we make the wrong decision? The dream of having a baby and becoming a family was still there. Eventually we decided to try fertility treatment again since nothing has happened naturally in the mean time. So now we have just been through another three IUI cycles. The hospital here in Amsterdam insisted on trying IUI again, even though we had already tried it before. Again it has been to no prevail and again the doctors suggest IVF. This time we will do it. I’m 37 now and we are running out of time.
I’m starting this blog to make sense of my experience of infertility and fertility treatment and try to create a better understanding of what it means for us who go through it and our lives, bodies, relationships and identities. In the process I hope that lots of you, who are on the same journey, will also share your experiences and thoughts.