Tomorrow I will be 6 weeks pregnant. It still feels quite unreal and although we are still in that zone of being absolutely overjoyed, there are also other feelings starting to take up more and more space. Namely worries and fears. Because it’s still so early days and because there is always that risk of a miscarriage. I’m trying to trust life, trust that our little ‘sprout’ is doing great, trust that everything will be ok. But sometimes it’s difficult.
Again I feel the effects of that addiction to seeing and knowing I wrote about in a previous post (Addicted to knowing). I so need a fix! I need to SEE with my own eyes that I’m pregnant – despite the fact that I can clearly feel it. I need to KNOW that everything is ok. I need to SEE a heartbeat. I am in other words craving an ultrasound scan and I’m not going to get one until the 6th of January.
I know all pregnant women are anxious in the early stages of pregnancy. It’s normal. But I think it’s more of a challenge when you have been living with infertility for years and finally get pregnant after fertility treatment. Firstly, there is that feeling that you can hardly believe it has actually happened at all. It feels like a miracle and that in turn makes it enormously precious and special. All of a sudden you have so much to lose and you know it might not be simple or easy to just get pregnant again if something goes wrong. It feels like a ‘once in a life time’-thing. To top it all off, there is the issue of the way fertility treatment has fundamentally changed your perception and sense of your own body. It has become the object of reproductive interventions by professionals and you have become used to relying on this intervention rather than the natural functioning of your body.
Now my body is all on it’s own again. I have even been told to stop taking the progesterone by tomorrow when I’m 6 weeks along. I fear stopping, because it seems so early. Especially compared with how it’s done elsewhere as my google research is telling me. At the same time I’m also deprived of access to any external knowing and seeing what is going on, i.e. I have no way of feeding my treatment induced addiction until the 6th of January.
It’s hard to all of sudden trust your body and trust that nature can take it from here. And to accept that there really is no need for me to know or see what is going on. I have no control anyway, neither do the professionals. They can do as little as I can to ensure that things work out. I have to let it go, trust and hope for the best. I need an antidote in the form of some good old fashion ‘taking things as they come’. As my dad said it when I was talking with my parents on skype about all the blood tests, ultrasounds and screenings which are now common in any pregnancy: “Well in our day we assumed things were ok when the belly starting growing…”. There were no BETA numbers, no scans, no tests. Maybe I will be ok then, waiting a mere two weeks for that first ultrasound :-).