My battle with all day ‘morning sickness’

I have been discussing back and forth with myself for a while now whether to write about my current struggles. Somehow it feels wrong not to write about it because of how powerfully it dominates my experience of pregnancy and everyday life at the moment. On the other hand it also feels wrong to use this space to ‘complain’ about anything related to pregnancy. I’m afraid it might be hurtful to those of you who are still trying and going through the trials and tribulations of fertility treatment. If you think it might, please stop reading.

I feel guilty and sad that I’m not able to enjoy my pregnancy at the moment. Instead I’m worn out physically and mentally from being sick (i.e. throwing up) and nauseous constantly – every day, all day for nearly a month now. I will spare you any more of the details, but I feel like I’m being put through some kind of grueling initiation ritual.

Throughout the years of living with infertility, pregnancy seemed somehow to be an elusive, inconceivable dream destination. I never thought too much about or researched what it might be like between the point of getting a positive test result and giving birth (that scary and wonderful part). In reality, pregnancy is obviously not the destination. It’s yet another necessary and, as it turns out, difficult part of the process that will hopefully lead to us having a baby.

Physically, I’m feeling much worse than I ever did during IVF. This, to be honest, is actually a bit of a shock. Maybe I just assumed I would be one of the lucky ones who don’t suffer too badly with nausea etc. Or maybe I just never thought about it. Naturally the entire focus was on getting to this point, not what might come after. Before, the most difficult part was the fear that you might never become a parent and that you were going through all that for nothing. This is the big difference. No matter how difficult times are for me right now, I have something I never had before – concrete reason  to believe that it really will be worth it in the end.

Nevertheless, it’s not just a matter of feeling rubbish physically. What is really getting to me is the effect it is having on my emotional state. I’m realizing how difficult it is to keep your spirits up when you are suffering physically. I want to be happy and feel the joy of finally being pregnant. But I hardly can most of the time. I try to conjure up the moment of seeing that heart beat on ultra sound and feel the joy and amazement, but it feels like ages ago. The fact that I am pregnant feels abstract to me in some way. I have to really focus my mind on it to get even the slightest sense of joy and to remind myself how lucky, grateful and thankful I am to even be pregnant at all. That I might be suffering right now, but it’s all for a good cause and that the chances that we will have a baby are now as high as ever. Most of the time though, being sick just takes over in such a dominating way that there seems to be no space or energy for anything else. Every single day everything is about the very immediate battle of eating and keeping it down. The only advantage being that I also don’t have much space for worry in my head.

I know it will ease off in a couple of weeks (hopefully) and I know it’s no big deal and nothing to fuss about – in the grander scheme of things. But I feel worn out nonetheless.

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14 responses to “My battle with all day ‘morning sickness’

  1. Bachelor's Button

    Oh golly! Poor you! The upside I guess is that it is sign of a very viable pregnancy…even if totally rotten. I think that with these blogs, those of us who are lucky enough to get pregnant through IVF have a duty to follow through – because the path to the baby continues post treatment. I struggle with writing about my pregnancy for similar reasons, because I feel so fortunate, if not permanently anxious, but I know that fertility blogs that lead to pregnancy and babies have given me some hope.
    We are supposed to be filled with joy by the pregnancy itself, after hankering for it for so long, but somehow, for those of us who have struggles during pregnancy that isn’t always a reality, and we shouldn’t feel guilty about our inability to be overjoyed 100% of the time. I relate to your comments about abstraction – somehow the reality of the day to day physical and emotional toil of a difficult pregnancy seems unrelated to the little person within – almost like they are a fantasy. I wonder if that is normal for IVF pregancies or if all pregnant women feel like that?
    Hoping that things pick up for you and that you are able to enjoy the pregnancy a little more over the coming weeks.

    • Thanks!:-) I promise I will keep writing and follow it through here! I hope you will also keep writing about your pregnancy. I’m thinking of you and your little girl and I know that what you are going through at the moment most be so hard in a way I can’t even imagine!

  2. Don’t feel bad about writing about pregnancy pains/issues. People that have no problem getting pregnant write about it all the time- why can’t infertiles? Pregnancy is pregnancy no matter how you get to that point.

    I’m sorry that you aren’t feeling well…hopefully it gets better soon!

  3. Oh my gosh you are so allowed to feel bad and tell us about it! How on earth are the IVFers going to know that the constant state of barf is normal if you don’t prep us for it? 🙂 Having never been pregnant myself, I really can’t understand what you are going through, but I suspect it might be similar to having a 3 month-long, nausea-filled hang over. It’s like a TTC hangover, I guess!

    You say, ” I want to be happy and feel the joy of finally being pregnant. But I hardly can most of the time.” The optimist in me sees “most of the time.” This means that a little bit of the time you are experiencing this joy and WOW are you ever lucky! Hang on to these tiny moments and find strength to get through the bad ones. I’m sending you lots of positive, non-nauseous energy ~~~

    • Thanks!:-) And I promise I will keep prepping you for all that is to come (it’s actually far worse than any hangover I have ever experienced…). But it is of course all so different from woman to woman.
      I wish you all the best with your upcoming IVF round! I know that it is particularly scary in your case and I will be thinking of you!!

  4. oh I hear you. it is so draining emotionally. I hope you feel better very soon. I struggled with sickness up until 30 weeks. I really hoped I wouldn’t be that person, but I was. best of luck to you!

  5. Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Isn’t it such a kick to the shin that not only did you have to endure infertility, but now you have to have a rough first trimester too?! I envision the same for myself because nothing has been easy on this journey yet. Hope you start to feel better soon. 🙂

  6. So sorry you’re feeling so rotten Irene! I know what you mean about being reluctant to write about pregnancy issues, I too feel it’s almost like those moany “first world complaints” that seem so ridiculous to anyone who’s not living in a privileged society. I know when I was still trying I couldn’t imagine ever complaining if I ever did manage to get pregnant. But here I am, and life goes on, and there are new things to overcome or face or worry about. It sounds like u are having a really rough time with the nausea. And the hormonal thing does mess with your emotions. I found, for some reason, that cutting a lime in half and just sniffing at it helped ease my nausea. Some nights I feel asleep clutching a half lime! Hope u feel better soon

    • Yeah it’s a really tricky issue, but you are right. Life moves on and new challenges come your way. Sometimes it’s just completely surreal that my life at the moment evolves around trying to control nausea – and if I do manage to go a day without throwing up it’s a real victory:-)

  7. Just found your blog and I think we’re like a day apart in our pregnancies =) Don’t feel bad for complaining about feeling like shit. I’m in kind of the opposite boat where I don’t really have morning sickness and am PRAYING for it because as many point out it means you’re still pregnant and after losing a pregnancy last Sep I am desperately searching for signs that mean I’m still pregnant. But even though I am desperate to be nauseous just for the comfort I believe it will bring I also understand how miserable you must be. Hopefully in another 2-3 weeks the nausea will start to subside and you’ll be feeling better! I’m excited to follow along with your journey!

    • I completely understand the need to feel something as reassurance. I can imagine I would feel that way as well if I was in your shoes. I guess we all want that perfect balance of just a bit of nausea to feel reassured, but not so much that we have to spend too much time with our heads in the toilet 🙂

  8. Sorry you’re feeling so bad. I hope it eases up soon.

    I think since we wait so long for these pregnancies then we should be allowed the full experience of them. And since people who get pregnant easily complain about morning sickness, we should be able to complain just as much, if not more!

  9. myjourneythruinfertility

    thanks for stopping by my blog!! i spent so many weeks trying to act like the “normal” throws of pregnancy “shouldn’t” bother me and trying to remain strong and above it all . . . .regardless of my infertility journey it is just unrealistic and unfair to ourselves and the power of pregnancy. infertility robs us of so much, but at a certain point we have to not let it rob us of being humans who have aches/pains/feelings/nausea/worries/etc. trust me, I am 35 weeks and STILL working on this one. I find myself doing more, being more and pushing myself more because I want so badly for people to see that I can do it all since “this is what I wanted for so long.” it isn’t going so well, lol.

    I am glad you are being honest about this leg of the journey . . . you need to do it for you. Your readers will know what they can and can not handle- I promise. As a wise friend just told me yesterday, this is the time to take care of yourself because soon enough the baby will be the center of your world and you will have little left after taking care of him/her.
    I am looking forward to following you on your journey! good luck!

  10. Thanks!! 🙂 I look forward to following the rest of your journey as well! You are so right – just because we have experienced infertility it does not make pregnancy any easier than it is for anybody else (with all the variations from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy).

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