A strange week

I’m 15 weeks pregnant today and there is nothing new or different to report. Or in other words, I have no idea what’s going on but I hope everything is good! I wasn’t planning on writing, but I suddenly felt like it. When I decided to start this blog 6 month ago after living with infertility for years, I had no idea that it would lead me into discovering an amazing community of fellow bloggers on the same or similar journeys. It has shown me that I’m not alone; that there are people out there who understand my feelings and experiences with infertility and treatment in ways that nobody else can. I have the privilege of being able to read and follow the stories of others who go through this.

In the process, I have come to care about those of you whose’s blogs I follow in a way that I had never imagined. I have never meet any of you in so-called ‘real’ life, but as it turns out the virtual world is as real as any other space where the potential for connecting with others can be created. Maybe even more so in our particular case, because we share the most intimate thoughts, feelings and bodily experiences. It amazes me how powerful sharing of common experience is – maybe particularly the common experience of struggling to start a family.

This week I have realized the full extent of what that really means. I have cried tears of sorrow for Mo who lost her little boy at 22 weeks. And I have waited anxiously to hear news from Bachelor’s button who had her twins delivered by C-section at 28 weeks because her baby girl suffered from intrauterine growth restriction. Delivering now was the only chance of survival for her little girl, but would at the same time also put her little boy in danger. Now they are both fighting for their life in NICU. I’m sending all my hopes and prayers!

I can’t even begin to imagine what Mo and her husband are going through grieving the loss of their baby boy. Or what Bachelor’s button and her husband have been and are still going through. Or what Ozifrog, who is on bed-rest because of serious pregnancy complications, is going through. Or any of you who are or have been experiencing loss. I have been so fortunate not to experience loss or the imminent danger of it, but I nevertheless feel with you so much in your pain and worry.

When I was crying for Mo’s loss earlier this week, my husband asked me if it was making me worried about our baby – that something could also go wrong with my pregnancy. I thought about it for a bit, but realized that that was not it! I wasn’t feeling sad for what could potentially happen to me. I was feeling sad for Mo and her loss. I was feeling sad because life can sometimes be so cruel that it’s beyond belief. I was feeling sad because it is so horrible that one of us, who has struggled so much, has been robbed yet again of the dream of having a child and been put through another devastating loss.

I think all of us, who experience infertility, feel the collective pain of what we all go through. Whether it is loss and/or not being able to get pregnant in the first place. I just never realized it until I became part of this online community.

In stark contrast, this week also brought me an experience of not belonging and not being able to relate. Yesterday my husband and I went to one of those pregnancy & baby fairs that we had ended up with free tickets for when buying prenatal vitamins. We decided to go and have a look, since we have not looked at any baby-stuff yet. At all whatsoever.

I think I’m still processing the experience… It was so overwhelming. All we ended up buying was two bottles of sparkling alcohol-free wine. We did look at prams and strollers, but not in a very hands-on kind of way. I just couldn’t really relate to it all. I know I’m pregnant and I’m overjoyed and incredibly thankful, but it’s as if my mind has still not registered it. I can’t think like a pregnant woman. I can’t see myself with a pram or a stroller. I didn’t feel like one of them – the pregnant women. I felt like someone who shouldn’t be there. I couldn’t identify.

On top of that I was absolutely shocked at how commercialized pregnancy and babies are. It can’t imagine ever needing most of the things being sold for babies. But it seems like for a lot of women being pregnant means a whole new world of shopping opportunities. We even saw a couple walking around with a tiny little new born baby… amongst such crowds and frenzy that it was almost too much for me to bear. At 9pm! The baby looked so startled and confused, I still can’t forget it. Why take a new born to a shopping fair? And casually carry it around on your arm amongst crowds of people, noise and frenzy?

In all of it I kept thinking; this is not what it’s all about. It’s not about shopping baby stuff. Being pregnant and having a baby is about something so incredible and amazing that I can’t even express it or fully understand it. It’s about a love greater than any other. I know you don’t have to have experienced infertility to know and feel that. Far from it. But I do think that it makes it so painfully clear and intense in a way that cuts right to the bone. I can’t and I don’t want to think about shopping for stuff. I don’t need a fancy stroller. All the fuss and all the wrapping paper doesn’t interest me. I just want to meet and hold this special soul in my arms in August and experience him/her grow and live!


8 responses to “A strange week

  1. Well said! I just wrote a similar post about how far removed I am from wanting to buy baby things and maternity clothes, like I just CAN’T get there yet. I’m thinking as long as I have at least one outfit for the kid by the time we bring it home we’re doing ok! Everything else can be purchased later, like AFTER I know I get to keep this baby!

  2. Well put. I think you are right..and we will always remember this journey we have been on, no matter what happens. Great post.

  3. You are so, so right. I absolutely love to read that you focusing on the end result of this pregnancy – a new life! It is refreshing after seeing my fertile friends caught up 100% in the pretty things and not the love for a tiny being they are creating. Happy 15 weeks!

  4. Can I tell you I’ve looked online, put things in my ‘trolley’, but I can’t check out!?? I too can’t buy baby or pregnancy things, though one friend did and I’m happy to have it. Just like you when I was out & about , I looked at prams , but wouldn’t touch!!! I think pregnancy is different after infertility. You feel so blessed, but also like you have to earn parenthood or something, or perhaps you understand the miracle and the fragility of it differently. I am relieved to hear that someone like you, having a ‘good’ pregnancy, still feels this sense of unreality. Happy 15 weeks to us 🙂

  5. Very well put and congrats on your pregnancy that you have waited for so long. I found you through Belle and now learned that you are Danish, on your way to London.
    Well, just wanted to say hi and let you know I’m Swedish living outside London.. at least for another few years.

    • Thanks for finding my blog, nice to ‘meet’ a fellow Scandinavian in the community! 🙂

      I have just been reading your blog and I’m so so sorry for your loss! I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been going through these last weeks from finding out something was wrong, to making a very difficult decision to grieving the loss of you baby boy. I’m sending you lots of hugs and thoughts!!

  6. Beautiful post. While I do think all parents experience a profound love for their child, I think infertility gives us a very special understanding of just how precious a little life is. We appreciate every little part of what it takes to create life, which I don’t think fertile couples ever have the chance to consider.

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